Sunday blues & panic attacks.

Hello gorgeous friends! 

I hope you all had a most fabulous Sunday and are feeling rested and recharged for the week! But chances are you have a serious case of the Sunday blues (as I frequently do!). And thats ok. Its really really ok. 

Life has a cycle to it and often our ideas and ideals don't quite line up to the cycles of the world, we just need to be prepared and to create the lives we want so that our natural cycles can align with the cycles of the world as well. 

I had a really really bad day today. And a really really good day. 

I had two panic attacks, yep two. And you know what? They were both completely 100% avoidable! (disclosure, I've had panic attacks and been diagnosed with a panic disorder for about 15 years now... and been through tons of therapy and different medications to deal with them - so when I say they are avoidable I feel they are situation induced, situations I know better than to put myself into)

 They both stemmed from my eternal and internal self doubt. I like many others suffer from never feeling like enough. My house wasn't clean enough, big enough or designed to perfection, I wasn't skinny enough, my make up wasn't right and I had no cute outfits. (sounding familiar yet?) 

And you know what? They were both completely unfounded. I know that doesn't help in the moment but I am hoping to use in as a learning tool for myself in the future. 

My house was fine, I had a cute outfit (and ended up not shooting with the photographer anyway) - but you know what I ended up doing? 

Having a most fabulous evening with my husband dining on Italian food al fresco! We even stopped for cold pressed juices to start our week off on a good foot. 

I hope that these kind of blogs reach the people they should and that you all know we are in this together. Keep your chins up badasses, you are all fighting your own amazing battles and I am so proud of all of you. 

Dont be afraid of Monday, I'm here with you. 

Cheers! 

XOXO | SLL 

Through time with diligence...

So depending on how well you know me you may or may not know that I originally started Bubbles & Bones back in 2013. I had a good run at it for about 60 days and then my posting kinda tapered off... Recently on Facebook memories, I was reminded of a post I wrote inspired by my grandmother and great-grandmother. While that post screams of 25-year-old immaturity (I'm sorry for what I said about yoga pants), and is not at all the message I wanted to share,  I knew that I wanted to share with my new readers a little about them.

They were the ultimate icons of style and class. Their self-worth, perseverance, and confidence never came from another, it was an internal fire that I hope burns a little inside me as well. 

My grandmother and great-grandmother (and their husbands) lived life so fully that most people don't believe me when I share stories of them. Partying at the palace in Monaco, speed boats down the Riviera, movie stars and royalty as friends and more. But their lives weren't always like that. 

Before the speedboats and the Royals came extreme heartache and tragedy - as did many other global citizens of the time. World War II brought war to the small island that my family was living on (Java). My grandmother only knew her fathers face from a photograph until she was 3 years old, as he was detained at the male camp and my great-grandmother and grandmother at the female camp. They were held in concentration camps located in the remote jungle Boven-Digoel by the Japanese during WWII - as they lived in the Dutch East Indies running their printing empire at the time. They lost everything, including parents, siblings, businesses, homes and more. But again, they didn't let that stop them. The three of them rebuilt their lives and lived them to the fullest. 

Our family crest has the words "door tyd en vlyt" on it - which translates from Dutch to English as "Through time with diligence" (if you've seen me in a bikini you know that this is incorporated into one of my tattoos). They never let their situations define them and worked diligently for the rest of their lives, to live their best lives.  

Consistently pulled together and polished, they oozed style and class. My grandmother more of a rebellious spirit was one for furs and embellishments, yet rooted her style with the classics. Hermes, Chanel, custom couture made for her by her best friend, and famous Dutch designer Edgar Vos.

A young grandmother preparing for a day on the slopes (or more likely Après-ski!)

My great-grandmother, having lived through losing everything during the war (and getting it back again) was more conservative in her style and lifestyle. Most of the photographs I have of her are in elegant gowns or hosting a lavish party, not a hair, nail or button out of place. She was an incredible hostess and cook. She was made up at all times and it wasn't until she became physically unable to that her hair went uncolored or not styled in elaborate combs. 

My great-grandparents at a black tie gala. 

My great-grandmother passed away when I was 5 years old, but thankfully I do have some memories of her. My grandmother was one of the most influential people in my life and unfortunately passed away way too soon. I was able to spend at least one day a week with her until her death when I was 15. Her loss is still felt deeply by my mom and myself. The photographs I have of both of them are some of my (and my moms) most prized possessions. Each photo of them is a complete story. A fairy tale of sorts. I find myself in awe of the lives they lived and often daydream filling in the gaps I don't know. 

One of my goals for 2018, and through life,  is to be more like them. To be consistent in my life, my style, my demeanor. To pass through life diligently and with purpose. 

XOXO | SLL 

Lets talk home screens!

I cant think of a more personal thing today then our cell phone home screens! I mean you carry it with you at all times, you're probably the only one that uses it, and you look at approximately 9 million times per day. Why not make your's something that brings you joy each time you look at it? 

Enter my personal home screen...

I get it... it's not for everyone. We all know there are two very very different types of cell phone users. Are you a right or a left kind of person? If you are more of the 989084577 notification variety, this probably isn't your style! 

Image via: https://digitalsynopsis.com/design/two-kinds-of-people-illustrations/

My husband thinks I am crazy for doing this, but he is also the guy who has pizza delivery apps under "productivity" (I guess he's kind of right). But so many people who have seen my phone have squealed with delight!

I cannot take solo credit for this beauty, after first discovering color-coded folders thanks to The Home Edit - I quickly became completely obsessed! Now, it does take some getting used to I will 100% admit to that. However, I do find myself using my phone (I hope!) more efficiently. I use the search bar, I use Siri - and after a bit, you just know by instinct where everything is... 

If you're interested in doing this - set aside a good 30 minutes - I happened to do mine during a crazy bout of insomnia at about 2am. Start by sorting like by like, just group reds with reds, blues with blues etc.

Depending on the number of apps you have you can get really specific with your rainbow of folders. I decided to have multiple pages of each color in one folder, but I have seen some screens where people extend the whole screen of the phone with folders. Then just pick your favorite emojis and viola -a home screen full of eye candy! 

I kept my messages out since I am using them all day long - as well the phone (because thats what we're actually supposed to use these things for right?), email, safari and pandora for quick selection. 

I would love to know how everyone else organizes their phones - are you a notification clearer or are you 578764987 unread messages from 8th grade kind of person? 

Tell me in the comments below! 

XOXO | SLL

At peace with where you are...

I recently found myself lost in thought after reading a job posting. Now don't freak out it's not something I would ever do, nor am qualified to do, hell it's not something I even WANT to do. (Move to Dubai and work with racehorses) But, I found myself thinking things like "if I was younger", "If I was single", "If I was..." and while my husband would absolutely sell everything and follow me anywhere in the world, this I know without question - it honestly surprised me. 

I can honestly say have never ever questioned myself like that, I have never felt that I couldn't do whatever I wanted to do, hell everyone knows I tend to do things a little differently. The more I continued to think about it I couldn't help but get a bit sad, I think I just officially said goodbye to my young adulthood. I am no longer in a "pickup and leave" place in life.

But then, after a bit more introspection,  this feeling of overwhelming peace came over me.  I knew without questions that at this exact moment, I am right where I need to be. It's not because I am afraid, it's not because I am settling, it's not because I am living in my comfort zone, its because I have created the life that I want. 

We get so caught up in the whats new, whats next that I think we often forget to enjoy and be present at the current moment. My hope for you is that you take a minute today and just be thankful for where you are right now, even if it's not your end goal, even if it's not your today goal, you got here - right now, you got to here. 

If you think I've totally lost it and all you can think of is the gazillion things you need to do "make it" (hell, even the gazillion things you need to do just to get through today) I've put together a list of a few things that you can quickly do to center yourself and be at peace where you are right now. 

1. Connect - shoot a text, call just to say I love you, hold someone's hand if you can - even if just for a moment

2. Write a "done" list - include all the badass things you've already done today

3. Send some love - write (yes with pen and paper!) your bff a card, or that thankyou note you've been putting off. There is something so calming about handwriting a letter.

4. Pay it forward - sounds counter-intuitive but for me, giving makes me more thankful for what I already have.

5. Get off the internet - (...well maybe after you've finished this post...) I truly believe comparison is the thief of joy these days, stop comparing yourself to someone's highlight reel online - be present for yourself, and the peace will follow!

  XOXO| SLL 

Words hurt. Online communication struggles.

Words hurt. 

Its easy to forget when we are hiding behind a keyboard or an iphone. 

I experienced this first-hand yesterday when an offhanded comment really really hurt my feelings. It totally wasn't a big deal, at all. But it did. 

Wouldn't it be lovely if we could all just shake things off like Bones, take a nap and get over it?

The person reached out and apologized (and so did a couple other people who saw the comment and thought it was a little off), I thought all was done and good...

But then when I realized that the person who hurt my feelings, had no idea why I was hurt, I lashed out and found myself being the person I never want to be... the person that argues with someone on the internet. I wanted her to understand me. It never ends well arguing on the internet,  no one is ever happy and it is ultimately a total waste of time and energy.

I became engrossed on proving my point when there was no need or reason to. I am pretty sure she was doing the same. I was hurt, she was sorry but it just kept going and going.  No one was right, no one was wrong. But we both wanted to be right. 

I got a headache, I had this pit in my stomach and knew that it was all related to this exchange. I knew that I was not a totally innocent victim in this, I too fed into the miscommunication and the need to be right. But it felt like something bigger. 

On a deeper level, I started to worry that I had unintentionally offended or hurt anyone, ever. Like ever ever.  You know that rabbit hole of self-doubt and fear you go through when you feel a bit wounded? Yeah, that was me x100 last night.

What if I offended someone that had welcomed me into their home with by posting about how I like my guest room? What if I offended my friend who had given me a shirt by posting about a different shirt? What if I didn't hear someone say hello to me and I didn't respond? What if, what if, what if? 

So what can we do about it?

Finallyyyyyyyyyyy I was able to snap myself out of it, with the help of a good friend who reminded me that I am indeed not everyone's cup of tea, AND THAT IS A GOOD THING. 

It is hard enough communicating face to face with someone you know on a deeply intimate level, so why do we just assume that others - who have no context of our lives- know what we are trying to share in 180 characters or less?

Who are they to know what we really mean when we type our friends an inside joke on their Facebook walls? What we are trying to gain when we "vague-book"? When we use slang specific to our generation, geographic location or other demographic?

How's anyone to know our intention behind our words?

I have decided that the only way that anyone could possibly understand me, is to stay true and authentic to myself and my message. By staying true to my message people will know what I mean even if I might misspeak or mistype. They will get to know me as more than hands behind a keyboard.  Additionally, to further allow my audience to know my intention, I am choosing to take this as a big fat learning experience and working harder to always "say what I mean, and mean what I say" online and offline. 

I would really like to open up this topic for conversation with others that use a lot of words on the internet - and I use alot... (my Grammarly app told me it scanned 14700 words between Monday and Tuesday of this week - side note if you don't have that installed on your computer and you write anything at all on your computer - get it. Game. Changer.).

How do you get over these communication hurdles?

How do you keep your voice consistent, understood, and strong?

How do we get over ourselves more often and simply say "I'm sorry"? How do we know when to push the subject vs back off and agree to disagree? 

XOXO | (from a slightly discouraged) SLL

Mid Week Slump?

We've all been there... That feeling when you get up in the morning and go, crap is it really only Wednesday? We've all seen the advertisements and memes celebrating hump day, celebrating we've made it halfway to the weekend.

But what if it didn't have to be that way? What if with a few shifts in routine and perspective you were able to wake up Wednesday morning and go "look at all the things I've done! I am a killing it!"

I've never been one for "woo woo" stuff but lately (and I wrote about it before here) I have been using some mantras and positive thought exercises in my daily routine. The one I keep going back to that keeps me grounded yet energizes me is "I have the ability, resources, and determination to accomplish my goals sanely, safely and successfully"  and you know what? It freaking works. 

The sanely part I added because I felt like I was driving my self, batshit crazy, with all of the things I was lacking or not doing. Did I publish that blog post? Did I schedule time for photos? Did I actually press send on that email at work? My mind was continually racing. 

The safely part encourages me to take care of myself and those around me, I consider eating right and taking care of my body part of the safety mantra.

And well successfully... that's the goal, right? To get to a point where our days are successful, we close our eyes feeling fulfilled and content not worrying about the should have and would have and didn't do's. 

I've also been getting up 10-15 minutes earlier midweek (which let me tell you is not such an easy thing when you already get up reeeeeeeeeeallly early)  and knocking out something that I don't particularly enjoy doing... this morning I sorted the laundry and started a load. I also stopped at the grocery store on the way to work instead of tired and hangry on the way home. I feel like it really sets you up for productivity knowing you've already jumpstarted your day.

So tell me, are you a lover or a hater of Wednesdays? What do you do to avoid that mid-week slump?  An extra shot of espresso? A super hot shower that maybe lasts 10 minutes longer? Meditation? A mantra? 

XOXO | SLL 

Break your heart, steal your crown - reflecting on the Vegas massacre

Type. Delete. Type. Delete. Cry. Type. Delete. Get angry. Type. Delete. Cry. Type. Delete. Type really fast. Delete. Watch the cursor blink... type. 

That's about how this post went over and over again as I tried, again , to come to terms with what happened in Las Vegas on Sunday night and articulate my thoughts it to anything that resembled sense.  I even put this post on delayed publishing so I had time to change my mind and delete it if I wanted to...

You see, generally I don't get this rattled by all the horrible things that happen in the world, generally, I am able to stay rational and try to make sense of it, or even just redirect my self and focus on the good in the world.

But... I can't.

I'm angry. Really really angry. I want action, I want reason, I want to be able to do something, anything - and I can't. There is no sense in a senseless act. There is no good in pure evil.  At my last count 18 friends and loved ones were at the Route 91 Harvest Festival when the shooting occurred. While I am extremely thankful that each one of them is alive we cant say the same for many of their friends and loved ones that were in attendance. A good family friend was shot in her calf, and thankfully is as "ok" as anyone could be after experiencing the horrors that she endured Sunday night.

My brother in law Marc, a 7 year Navy veteran was also there that night. He has some puncture wounds on his hand from helping others over fences and to safety, but is otherwise physically "ok".

He stopped to fix a tourniquet on a young girl that had been haphazardly applied on a young girl who was bleeding out, saving her life. Dom and he were able to finally to connect on the phone a few hours after he got to safety and I heard the pain and sadness in his voice when he was telling the story. The entire situation seemed so surreal.

You see, I'm extremely lucky to be married to a big tough Italian man with the last name Lassalle - his little brother Marc is no different, when you think of a big tough Italian guy the picture in your head probably looks something like Dom and Marc. They're the most fiercely loyal protectors around, but they also feel deeply and grieve deeply, their compassion for others is overwhelming. I have no doubt that Marc was thinking about everyone before himself, and acted in a way that ensured the safety of many on Sunday night. And, that's why I'm upset. These were MY people. MY friends, MY family, MY community. My heart is breaking that any one of them had to endure even a moment of pain. 

Marc, like many other trained first responders, military and medical professionals didn't run from the gunfire - they ran towards it. They helped each other, just like Americans do. My only hope through all this tragedy is that people can set aside petty differences and band together.

Marc was interviewed on air by KSFO and gave his first hand account, I have linked the podcast of the show here for those that would like to listen.  

I also cant ignore that Tom Petty, whose lyrics always fought for the under dog passed away just a few hours after the events in Vegas transpired. The lyrics from "Learning to Fly" keep swirling around in my head - if you haven't heard the song its about the highs and lows in life and how we cant have one with out the other... 

I leave you with how I can best describe how I am feeling in lyrics by the late Tom Petty... 

Well some say life will beat you down
Break your heart, steal your crown

XOXO | SLL

Turning 30... birthday recap!

As a general rule, I hate my birthday. Expectations, commitments, all the emotions just have never made me feel super celebratory. It's never had anytihng to do with a number, I am actually really looking forward to getting older. My husband likes to joke that I am actually an 85 year old woman in hiding.

I love OTHER peoples birthdays, gift giving, planning parties etc but when its come to my own I feel awkward and undeserving. This year my family, friends and especially my husband changed all that. I had THE most fabulous 30th birthday I think possible. 

Not only was I showered with gifts and experiences - but I was showered with love, and time, and the most beautiful cards filled with words that make me cry just thinking about them. 

On Friday, Dom and I checked in to the Inn at Rancho Santa Fe for a weekend staycation, we spent the afternoon wandering around the property, drinking wine and indulging on the most amazing cheeseboard I may or may not have ordered it 2 more times over the weekend. If you have been reading for a while you know how ridiculous we are about our dog child Bones, so it should be of no surprise that he came on the weekend with us. 

Saturday morning we had a lovely breakfast on the terrace at Morada, the resturant at the Inn and then hit the spa! Dom hadn't ever really been to a spa of this type and thoroughly enjoyed himself! 

Saturday night my husband put together the most awesome dinner with some of my closest friends! Everyone (I think!) had a great time, the food was excellent and the company was even better! 

If youfind yourself at the Inn - make sure you stop into the ladies bathroom in the main lobby. Its been a favorite of mine for years, it has THE best selfie mirror and lighting. I made all my girls come to the bathroom so we could get a group picture, and I'm not sorry for it! 

A huge thank you to everyone who celebrated, I am thoroughly enjoying being 30 and looking forward to this new chapter in my life! 

Tonight we're heading to yet another birthday dinner (the party isnt stopping anytime soon!) with my family and then this weekend we head off to Chicago for more adventure! 

If you're not following me on instagram, I would highly suggest you do so before this weekend, I tend to be waymore active on stories etc when traveling and love taking you along with me! You can find me @bubblesandbones. 

XOXO | SLL 

PS: Dom got a new camera for his birthday (just a few days before mine! - sorry I stole the show this year babe!) and that's why you see all these awesome photos on this post. I am so excited that he has taken an interest in both my blog, and also upping our photo game!

We settled on the Sony a5100 and you can find more info on it here: http://amzn.to/2y7AtOM 

Reflecting on 9/11

“Where were you when the world stopped turning that September day? ”

— Alan Jackson

There are few moments in my life in which I remember exactly what I was doing at that exact moment. Hearing that a plane had hit the world trade center is one of them. I was getting ready for my freshman year of high school and had the radio on like always. I remember thinking it was some kind of weird programming, it took until I went to the living room and turned on the news to register that it was indeed happening.

At the time my mom, a police officer, was working the graveyard shift and would come home and sleep for a couple hours before she had to take me and my step siblings to school. We weren't allowed to watch TV in the morning because it shared a wall with her bedroom - I remember she came out and started to get mad at us for having it on- at that exact moment the second plane hit. I remember knowing deep in my soul, even at 14, that my life and the lives of all my fellow Americans would never be the same.

I am fortunate to have many selfless first responders in my family. Like I mentioned above, my mom is a badass police sergeant, my step dad is a motors sergeant (yes mustache and all!). My husband Dominic served in the Marines, my brother in law Marc in the Navy, my step brother Brandon in the Army, my brother David worked as an EMT before deciding to pursue a degree in fire science (which he is working on now).  I am surrounded by those that I know would be the ones that run towards the smoke, that risk their lives everyday to protect my freedoms.

I guess that is why I get so emotional when I think about the events 16 years ago. I know that if the location was different MY people would have been the ones working tirelessly to save others, potentially loosing their own lives in the process. I have a large tattoo on my side that says "Blessed are the peacemakers" which is from Matthew 5:9 - it is my everyday reminder that not only are our first responders my true heros - but that I am blessed BY the peacemakers.

So on this solemn day in our history, please take a moment to be kind to someone. Thank a cop, give a firefighter a bottle of water, lend someone a hand, were all in this together.

xoxo| SLL